Letting Off Steam

          Have you ever met someone so inconsistent with his words and actions it makes your head spin faster than a whirlpool? He tells you to be transparent with him - to tell him what you exactly feel about him. To be honest to him. He won't be angry. Yes, I tried being frank. And look what happens: He did not get angry - he just left. He's not preaching what he says. I've met these kinds of people disguised as my "short-term friends"- too many of them back in high school. But as Lang Leav said, 

"The things that seem to matter less, are the ones we put on show."

         It's not one of my best poems and I'm not even infinitesimally proud of it, but it exactly reflects what I feel about these hot and cold people - the Ciel way. Rough, rude, blunt, unrefined and totally not complete without a minor string of swear words. I'm so sorry I'm just talented in the field of saying swear words.

Brewing Trouble

Sometimes I Forget that I'm still a Kid

          Working at a company for an internship has its perks. I get to meet new people and hopefully find new friends. I find the environment even more refreshing than the constant drag and pull of time back in DLSU. What can I say? I've spent my entire life in those four walls of the room. Sometimes, there are five walls when I felt that the worker who was laying out the cement miscounted the corners he was happily making. And that's my problem. At least I am free to act like me. Who is me?

          Me who runs along the corridors and through all the maze made by those insensitive people who seemingly care about nothing but their sad sob story to be told - not minding they were actually very much blocking the runway, excuse my awesome self. Me who sings my lungs (and larynx) out with Through the Fire (Chaka Khan's version, puhlease) and other birit-worthy songs at the fire exit. Me who would emote to myself on a ledge while looking down the once-football-field-turned-to-Henry-Sy-grounds. Me who would talk to myself on my seat and don't give a shit about my changing expressions. My who would giddily drag my friends to Agno or EGI for lunch. Me who would animatedly talk about my day-to-day misfortunes and laugh at them like they never did affect me.

          And that's when I realized being in this world - the corporate world - is not easy. With my current self, I have to put up a front that would be expected by these people, and of course to not be overly weird. Sometimes I lose myself and my antics would come out. Man, I tell you hiding is hard. I'm not exactly the bearer of the Most Talented Two-Faced Douchebag trophy. And of course, faking is not exactly in my immediate vocabulary unless otherwise stated. This constricting mask makes it so that it's only a matter of time when I would finally snap and be used to this kind of lifestyle. I have to leave my mask and develop a different persona - fast. I mean, I only have around 36 units left before I graduate. I'll never be ready even if I have balikbayan box of excuses.

          Though I did notice that the people I'm working with are exactly the manifestations of the people I have met during my entire stay in the university. There are these people that clicks faster with me than the rest. Then there are these quiet people who tend to lose themselves more around themselves than the others. (What.) And of course, there are these mature people who feels like my parents. I love my environment. I love the people I work with. I love the things I do in the office (COUGHfacebooktwitterwriteblogyoutubeCOUGH). But I'm having a hard time catching up to their level of maturity. I find myself joking and I honestly don't know if 

(1) they get the joke,

(2) they are offended by the joke

(3) they don't know if it's a joke.

The last thing I would want is a civil war with myself (and those people). But then I realized, yes their ages are like two-digit numbers away from me and I really can't blame my birthday (or anything else for that matter). Rather, I should just man up (or woman up) and at least act like them. And this is why I so look forward to every thesis meeting we have. For a breather.

Anyway, I just wanted to let it off my chest.

Restrained

On Being a Poet

Rantings of Trivial Matters Part I

Well, I think I do deserve the right to rant right now. Since my last blog and that was dated July 5, 2013, I had not a time for myself except after finishing workloads after workloads of school requirements. That time, my friends, is only when I sleep. Sometimes, I do not sleep at all. I don't care. I want to sleep. Like sleep for a full 24 hour span. With no interruptions, I may add.

So many things happened. Here I am sounding like a vague oracle who never really see anything clear in her crystal ball of insanity. I mean, paperworks, projects, project, paperworks. Seriously. Our professors are ganging up on us. I am so very inclined to think that they have conspired with each other secretly (probably in the old and abandoned elevator of Br. Connon Hall, don't you think so?). Everything is overlapping with each other that I truly wish I can do Kagebunshin technique of Naruto. No, I haven't read Naruto and I wish I can start now because most of my friends are reading it. Even our faculty adviser who constantly share the manga updates.

I HAVEN'T BEEN UPDATED WITH BLEACH.

Meh, this is part 1. I will be doing part 2 later at home.

I cannot get closer to you.

Not now, or ever.

In fear that my feelings will overflow and spill unto your person again. You see, there's this cup of unrequited love that can only be filled with so much bitterness and self-loathing. Every time I see you, the cup is filled with the liquid proportional to the pain it brings. After sometime, the cup is filled to the brim and the liquid overflows. That's the point of no return where I confessed my feelings to you.

It's not because I assumed that you like me, too, but because I could not contain the unrequited feelings that seem to increase. I had to let it out, lest I drown.

I am happy with the current us. I could not have asked for more. I would not ask for more. They say that to love someone does not mean to force a commitment. Sometimes I just have to be satisfied with whatever connection we have as long as it stays.

But.

This is the first time I felt emptiness whenever I am with the one I love.

Do not worry. I kept my word. How could I not? I cut off the roots. It was hard. It took a toll on me, physically and emotionally. But I was able to do it, because of you. Some little sacrifices I can do for you. To at least get my self even the tiniest redemption. I am just waiting for it to wilt. I am sure that when it wilts away, I will cry my last tears for this fiasco. I will be sad. Sad that my heart no longer cares differently for another. Oh, the things we do for love.

Thank you for telling me your feelings. Thank you for being honest. Most of all, thank you for still accepting me.

I might be weird, to refuse awkwardness between us when it is space that what we need the most. Space for you so that my feelings will not come into your mind. Space for me so that the buds that were long separated from their roots will not magically bloom on their own.

I guess, our friendship is just too precious. In the end, I love our friendship so much that I could not let it wilt with my feelings. It might be too selfish of me to do so, but I bared myself - all of it - to you.

I love you. I really do. I wanted to tell you again. I wanted to know if my heart will palpitate at your expression when you hear them once more. Sometimes I wish I do, so that I know I did not turn into a plant. Sometimes, I wish I do not, so that I will not carry the pain alone.

I guess I am on my road to recovery. Piecing back that part of my heart that took the damage. Maybe this is why I can talk about it, right here.

And maybe, just maybe, I have realized that no matter how I tried, I can never get closer to you. I take one step forward, you take a leap ahead. But do know I will never catch up to you. Even if I did, I will make sure I will only be ahead of you or behind you. 

Because being on equal pacing with you will make me release the tight reign I tied myself into.

And all of my efforts might go down the drain.

So, history will repeat itself. In another time, in another place.

This might cause even more damage to both of us.

And so, I cannot get closer to you.