Some Theories Explaining Why We Usually Fall for those who were Taken Already (And its Side Effects)

I finally had the time to poke around this blog...again! I'm still counting my blessings and lost count of it actually. So, time for a new one! I recently found this question bugging me one cold morning in a steamy shower with myself. I thought about my conquests - sounds weird considering I'm a girl - throughout the years and I found out that most of those I fell in like with were actually taken men. There's guy named tooot who studies at tooot. Then this egoistic and airy guy here at the office with the name of tooooot who just can't shut up at how handsome he is. Well, some men are like that.

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Yeah, yeah. I know. Life is hard. Life gives us lemons and I just can't help but ask, WHY?! What did I ever do wrong to receive such fate? However, for about 20 years of living in this shithole called world, I realized I might have theorized some pointers to finally answer that ego-killing, definitely grueling question. And some of its side effects. No, these are all based on my irrelevant opinion. First theory: If there is one thing I noticed in most couples,

1. People are bound to be more radiant when they find the love of their lives.

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Yeah. It's all rainbows and unicorns and dogs and bitches all the time. Nope. Not even an ounce of bitterness here. I know you secretly want to be her,

2. But maybe not as *cough*display.

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Next theory according to my brilliant mind,

3. We are secretly jealous of his 'catch.'

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We tend to be attracted to those claimed already, knowing that they are being valued by someone. But no, you just had to be jealous. Jealous of that girl who saw something in this seemingly good-for-nothing man. The worst case scenario here would be if the man in question is actually a very close friend of yours. And he wants you.and.her.to.be.FRIENDS. NO. 

No matter how nice she may be, or how angelic her face may seem, you just know you despise her deeply. I do believe what they say that a man makes other women be jealous of his girlfriend. And boy, seriously, you're doing it right. I'm so green with envy right now. And of course, you wanted to hold a grudge against him. You wanted to make him feel how stupid and far sighted he is to fail to see you. You wanted to

3. Bawl your eyes out. But you can't. You just can't.

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You have no right. It does not matter if you were always there for him.Throughout his drunken states, bearing his annoying drama regarding this girl he courts, and even becoming a martyr - standing tall and proud while you watch him being taken by another girl

4. - pretending you are very happy for him.

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I totally get your make-face behind. I feel you. However, you still are entitled to some rights in choosing his girl. It doesn't have to be that two-faced cow.

4. And thus, this is your current state.

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Although, it's just inside your head. A place where he would never bother peeking through. And that is just...as melancholic as forgetting your umbrella on a rainy day with your Sunday dress. For the next theory, when he finally notices your change of states - from being the bundle of joy everytime you walk home together to being the saddest heap of junk - and prophetically say, 'there's something wrong with you',

5. You just wanna tell him

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Yeah, congratulations on solving the most complex puzzle ever. Kthnxbye. I wanna be alone. Finally, you just really want to be with him but at the same time, some other bitch woman wanted him, too. It's just a matter of choice for him and so...

6. She ruined everything.

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As in, completely. But you cannot do that, so the only choices for you are to

7. Do nothing and just be a biatch at everything in life - just not to those two or

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8. Cry every night and be a biatch at everything in life. The pain you're suffering is so big it did not fit the post frame.

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But remember, don't get too caught up with him. There will always be someone for you at the right time and at the right place. Besides, there's your family there to love you.

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 Besides, who said we need a man to make it happen?

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Okay, I do.

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Sometimes I Forget that I'm still a Kid

          Working at a company for an internship has its perks. I get to meet new people and hopefully find new friends. I find the environment even more refreshing than the constant drag and pull of time back in DLSU. What can I say? I've spent my entire life in those four walls of the room. Sometimes, there are five walls when I felt that the worker who was laying out the cement miscounted the corners he was happily making. And that's my problem. At least I am free to act like me. Who is me?

          Me who runs along the corridors and through all the maze made by those insensitive people who seemingly care about nothing but their sad sob story to be told - not minding they were actually very much blocking the runway, excuse my awesome self. Me who sings my lungs (and larynx) out with Through the Fire (Chaka Khan's version, puhlease) and other birit-worthy songs at the fire exit. Me who would emote to myself on a ledge while looking down the once-football-field-turned-to-Henry-Sy-grounds. Me who would talk to myself on my seat and don't give a shit about my changing expressions. My who would giddily drag my friends to Agno or EGI for lunch. Me who would animatedly talk about my day-to-day misfortunes and laugh at them like they never did affect me.

          And that's when I realized being in this world - the corporate world - is not easy. With my current self, I have to put up a front that would be expected by these people, and of course to not be overly weird. Sometimes I lose myself and my antics would come out. Man, I tell you hiding is hard. I'm not exactly the bearer of the Most Talented Two-Faced Douchebag trophy. And of course, faking is not exactly in my immediate vocabulary unless otherwise stated. This constricting mask makes it so that it's only a matter of time when I would finally snap and be used to this kind of lifestyle. I have to leave my mask and develop a different persona - fast. I mean, I only have around 36 units left before I graduate. I'll never be ready even if I have balikbayan box of excuses.

          Though I did notice that the people I'm working with are exactly the manifestations of the people I have met during my entire stay in the university. There are these people that clicks faster with me than the rest. Then there are these quiet people who tend to lose themselves more around themselves than the others. (What.) And of course, there are these mature people who feels like my parents. I love my environment. I love the people I work with. I love the things I do in the office (COUGHfacebooktwitterwriteblogyoutubeCOUGH). But I'm having a hard time catching up to their level of maturity. I find myself joking and I honestly don't know if 

(1) they get the joke,

(2) they are offended by the joke

(3) they don't know if it's a joke.

The last thing I would want is a civil war with myself (and those people). But then I realized, yes their ages are like two-digit numbers away from me and I really can't blame my birthday (or anything else for that matter). Rather, I should just man up (or woman up) and at least act like them. And this is why I so look forward to every thesis meeting we have. For a breather.

Anyway, I just wanted to let it off my chest.

I cannot get closer to you.

Not now, or ever.

In fear that my feelings will overflow and spill unto your person again. You see, there's this cup of unrequited love that can only be filled with so much bitterness and self-loathing. Every time I see you, the cup is filled with the liquid proportional to the pain it brings. After sometime, the cup is filled to the brim and the liquid overflows. That's the point of no return where I confessed my feelings to you.

It's not because I assumed that you like me, too, but because I could not contain the unrequited feelings that seem to increase. I had to let it out, lest I drown.

I am happy with the current us. I could not have asked for more. I would not ask for more. They say that to love someone does not mean to force a commitment. Sometimes I just have to be satisfied with whatever connection we have as long as it stays.

But.

This is the first time I felt emptiness whenever I am with the one I love.

Do not worry. I kept my word. How could I not? I cut off the roots. It was hard. It took a toll on me, physically and emotionally. But I was able to do it, because of you. Some little sacrifices I can do for you. To at least get my self even the tiniest redemption. I am just waiting for it to wilt. I am sure that when it wilts away, I will cry my last tears for this fiasco. I will be sad. Sad that my heart no longer cares differently for another. Oh, the things we do for love.

Thank you for telling me your feelings. Thank you for being honest. Most of all, thank you for still accepting me.

I might be weird, to refuse awkwardness between us when it is space that what we need the most. Space for you so that my feelings will not come into your mind. Space for me so that the buds that were long separated from their roots will not magically bloom on their own.

I guess, our friendship is just too precious. In the end, I love our friendship so much that I could not let it wilt with my feelings. It might be too selfish of me to do so, but I bared myself - all of it - to you.

I love you. I really do. I wanted to tell you again. I wanted to know if my heart will palpitate at your expression when you hear them once more. Sometimes I wish I do, so that I know I did not turn into a plant. Sometimes, I wish I do not, so that I will not carry the pain alone.

I guess I am on my road to recovery. Piecing back that part of my heart that took the damage. Maybe this is why I can talk about it, right here.

And maybe, just maybe, I have realized that no matter how I tried, I can never get closer to you. I take one step forward, you take a leap ahead. But do know I will never catch up to you. Even if I did, I will make sure I will only be ahead of you or behind you. 

Because being on equal pacing with you will make me release the tight reign I tied myself into.

And all of my efforts might go down the drain.

So, history will repeat itself. In another time, in another place.

This might cause even more damage to both of us.

And so, I cannot get closer to you.