Wednesday, December 5, 2012

A-Musings of Trivialities

And so I mused to myself while washing the dishes a while ago.

What is to be mature?

Is it to develop proper manners? Is it to be able to act cool and collected? Is it to change your point of views in a broader sense? Mature people have always appeared to me like that. They have a good sense of what is right and what is wrong. They work with grace under pressure. They are open to a variety of opinions and does not hesitate to consider them no matter how absurd. They are most efficient in their tasks.

Or maybe it is a resignation of some sort?

From what I had observed, I asked myself what made them mature. Maybe there is a common bond that ties all these characteristics of maturity. Maybe they may not call it resignation but rather acceptance. I'd like to call mine resignation.

I had to contemplate first if I should wash the dishes or not. I was assessing myself if I am too tired - I have a heavy cold, in fact - and to ask my mom to wash it instead. Then I saw her mountain of laundry and that idea was history. I thought about asking father to wash the dishes - Armageddon almost came at that brief moment - since he had arrived at home early and was doing nothing but using Virtual DJ - as far as my instincts tell me. But as I looked again at the dishes - contempt, forlorn and dejection - I sighed to myself and told me, 'Fine. Can't be helped.' And that's when I found myself thinking about maturity.

As I feel myself coming to terms with the responsibilities I carry, I am still wondering how in the heavens I have done chores [that goes without saying 'without complaining']. Maybe it's resignation, maybe it's something else.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

A Farewell

I speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

I have so many thoughts in my mind since yesternight. They have been jumbling themselves, trying to dominate each other on which I would prioritize first. It was hard sorting them but I decided I would start with this: I could not keep the promise I made to myself, one term ago. After this program, as I told myself, I would allot a day of bitterness, self-pity, sadness and general unhappiness. I do not want to lie to myself, saying I am going to be all right; I am not bitter; I already accepted my fate. As a fellow human being, I am selfish, conceited, egoistic and many other negative adjectives Merriam Webster has. I have my own pride and to have anyone (including friends) trampling on it like trash would truly answer to me. And so the solution of releasing everything in one full day came up. Why just one? Why not a whole year? That's because I recognize my negative attitudes and I am doing my best to keep it from ruling over me. One day is more than enough, said my mind. 

I did cry last night. Out of sadness, out of happiness. I told myself 'if I did not cry, then when will I?'. Sadness because of the way things turned out to be but if I may say so myself, overall happiness because of the way things turned out to be. No matter how much my heart says, 'this cannot be happening, you're supposed to be one', I could not think of anything but the righteousness of the events. It's as if I felt even more at ease, if not truly relieved. And then my mind nagged at my heart, saying, 'when will you start the one day isolation?'. I stopped instantly, feeling my way inside; looking for the answers to the question my mind asked. I summoned the feelings I had since the start of the training and I found them gone. Waning, to be exact. I did not answer it right away and instead comforted and congratulated those people in that secluded pavillion. I cried for them, with them. Hugged them with all of my feelings in my sleeves. I showed them how much I truly loved them with my words and tears. I told them how deserving they are and how I will never ever leave them hanging. I was filled with their feelings and mine and it was an overwhelming experience. And so I cried. Unafraid, uninhibited. I wanted to show all of them my sadness and my happiness, so that they will know they mean so much to me.

But for some reasons, the tables turned. As I sat in my parents' car, driving back home, imagining the comfort of my love-pillow and sofa bed, a whirlwind of thoughts came rushing back to me. I left my tears and sadness in the tent and sadly, remnants of it still clung to my heart. I entertained them whilst looking outside the window with nothing but darkness in sight. It was a welcome change against the colorful scene brought upon by morning. I was able to get into trance easily. And so, that question came up again: when will you start your one day isolation? Honestly, I am still asking that question now. I am finding even an evidence of the bitterness I have conditioned myself one term ago. I tapped into my heart for debris of sorrow and grief and found none. I only felt a vague sense of ease and general tranquility within. Even my heart, so loud and wild yesternight is now only basking in serenity. My tearducts ran out of water and salt supply. No matter how much I thought of not being one of them, it stayed calm and even thankful. Then I came to a conclusion: My grief left as fast as it had arrived. And that is because, the 12 people I had worked with, the 12 people who will pioneer the organization are those people I have supported since the very start. And unknowingly, I have accepted them - loved them even - that I could not find myself resenting them, feeling bitter about them, saddening because of them. Though I am thankful for that, I feel bad about myself. Because I promised me that I would allot one day for bitterness, self-pity, sadness and general unhappiness. 

But now, I cannot even do that to save my life. I have invented the bitterness I am sure I would feel. And I could not contain the level of stupidity of my situation right now. I feel like laughing my lungs out while crying my eyes out. But then, I preferred to stay calm. Scold myself for another broken vow. And I am thinking of torturing myself with graphic horror movies I never dared to watch. As an afterthought, I ate my lunch while watching SAW I-VII. But behind all of these realizations, let this ultimatum be the end of the prospects 2k12 training program for me. I want to thank the new EB13, before and after the training, and for all of the times they will be there for us. I want you guys to know that I will be here for you, as a fellow Operations-Reseach and Development officer (from the best committee [Operations] forever, of course). I will help you with the skills I acquired from the training and will never let you down. I will be with you; serving under our organization, serving under and with you, becoming a pillar that will never fall. I will not waste my time and tears and our friendship because of my conceit and selfishness. I'll expect a rough road with you guys, and expect that I'll bump and bounce with you at each protruding rock on our path. I will sing with you our goals until my voice is no more than an inaudible groan. I will lend you all that I am so that there will NEVER EVER BE A NANOSECOND THAT YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE ALONE. I am so filled with positive vibes right now and with the last words in here, I am officially ending the prospects 2k12 training program.

EB12, I am so grateful with your decisions, considering it is hard for all of you. I share your hardships and pain and all those feelings I felt last night. Special mention to Kuya Robin for his last power hug. Totally made my night. EB13, so many words will never suffice to summarize my feelings for you so let this simple phrase give justice to it, at the very least: I love you.

Together we stand; Divided we fall. ONE FAMILY, ONE ECES.