A Cruel World

"I don't want to mistake kindness for affection. It caused a few handful of heartaches in this world."

-Sacdalan, 2012

via tumblr

I've known this for as long as the author of that quote posted it. I've lived by it and it did me good. It was a binary kind of lifestyle. Just 1 and 0. Yes and No. Like and dislike. Good and bad. Black and white. No gray areas. No other midtones. None. When you start giving color to everything, it gets complicated.

And that is exactly what I did.

Falling in like with someone should have made me feel inspired. Should make the eight-hour drag of office work seem like a minute. I should have been very enthusiastic when waking up in the morning. There were many things I should have been but I wasn't. I wasn't supposed to feel this way. This teenage-like internal squealing when I see him. Or that unnecessary nervousness that seem to prelude an ominous event. Or that strange heart palpitations that did not come from caffeine. And perhaps, the worst was drinking coffee and finding something to blame that erratic rhythm. 

There was a time I sat beside him when I felt the tips of my fingers being dipped in liquefied ice even when the window was opened. It was the same time when exchanging unpleasantries became more of a habit than an occasional unwinder. But he was kind - often talks to me when I sit beside him. He lets me peek a snippet of his life once in a while and I thought it was endearing.

But not anymore when he mentioned his girl.

"Let us offer a moment of silence for our friendzoned brother." via tumblr

And just one of the many reasons why the world is cruel is that we often mistake kindness for love.

A-musings of Trivialities Answered

A while back, I asked myself on how to be mature. 

Is it to develop proper manners? Is it to be able to act cool and collected? Is it to change your point of views in a broader sense?

These are some of the questions I posed on myself. They didn't actually made sense to me at all until such time I just decided that maturity is a resignation of some sort. Though naturally, others will call it acceptance, or coming to terms with responsibility. But I recently saw a photo shared on ShareCatholic's FB page which basically answers my questions.

Letting Off Steam

          Have you ever met someone so inconsistent with his words and actions it makes your head spin faster than a whirlpool? He tells you to be transparent with him - to tell him what you exactly feel about him. To be honest to him. He won't be angry. Yes, I tried being frank. And look what happens: He did not get angry - he just left. He's not preaching what he says. I've met these kinds of people disguised as my "short-term friends"- too many of them back in high school. But as Lang Leav said, 

"The things that seem to matter less, are the ones we put on show."

         It's not one of my best poems and I'm not even infinitesimally proud of it, but it exactly reflects what I feel about these hot and cold people - the Ciel way. Rough, rude, blunt, unrefined and totally not complete without a minor string of swear words. I'm so sorry I'm just talented in the field of saying swear words.

Sometimes I Forget that I'm still a Kid

          Working at a company for an internship has its perks. I get to meet new people and hopefully find new friends. I find the environment even more refreshing than the constant drag and pull of time back in DLSU. What can I say? I've spent my entire life in those four walls of the room. Sometimes, there are five walls when I felt that the worker who was laying out the cement miscounted the corners he was happily making. And that's my problem. At least I am free to act like me. Who is me?

          Me who runs along the corridors and through all the maze made by those insensitive people who seemingly care about nothing but their sad sob story to be told - not minding they were actually very much blocking the runway, excuse my awesome self. Me who sings my lungs (and larynx) out with Through the Fire (Chaka Khan's version, puhlease) and other birit-worthy songs at the fire exit. Me who would emote to myself on a ledge while looking down the once-football-field-turned-to-Henry-Sy-grounds. Me who would talk to myself on my seat and don't give a shit about my changing expressions. My who would giddily drag my friends to Agno or EGI for lunch. Me who would animatedly talk about my day-to-day misfortunes and laugh at them like they never did affect me.

          And that's when I realized being in this world - the corporate world - is not easy. With my current self, I have to put up a front that would be expected by these people, and of course to not be overly weird. Sometimes I lose myself and my antics would come out. Man, I tell you hiding is hard. I'm not exactly the bearer of the Most Talented Two-Faced Douchebag trophy. And of course, faking is not exactly in my immediate vocabulary unless otherwise stated. This constricting mask makes it so that it's only a matter of time when I would finally snap and be used to this kind of lifestyle. I have to leave my mask and develop a different persona - fast. I mean, I only have around 36 units left before I graduate. I'll never be ready even if I have balikbayan box of excuses.

          Though I did notice that the people I'm working with are exactly the manifestations of the people I have met during my entire stay in the university. There are these people that clicks faster with me than the rest. Then there are these quiet people who tend to lose themselves more around themselves than the others. (What.) And of course, there are these mature people who feels like my parents. I love my environment. I love the people I work with. I love the things I do in the office (COUGHfacebooktwitterwriteblogyoutubeCOUGH). But I'm having a hard time catching up to their level of maturity. I find myself joking and I honestly don't know if 

(1) they get the joke,

(2) they are offended by the joke

(3) they don't know if it's a joke.

The last thing I would want is a civil war with myself (and those people). But then I realized, yes their ages are like two-digit numbers away from me and I really can't blame my birthday (or anything else for that matter). Rather, I should just man up (or woman up) and at least act like them. And this is why I so look forward to every thesis meeting we have. For a breather.

Anyway, I just wanted to let it off my chest.

Food for the Mind III

What makes you less than who you are is not because of external factors, rather what you think of yourself.

It's really annoying that many people have misconceptions about what makes their lives ride a downhill path. That is to say that I was also one of them. Sure, thinking negative tends to attract negative energies and I am not going to start on talking about chi and chakra and all other astrological/horoscopical (new word!) rubbish. But then again, everybody has problems and they have their own unique ways on looking at it. This is my point of view and ignore me if you do think otherwise. If you're not that proud, you may even share your thoughts with me!

I guess it is the same reflex inherent to any human being. We tend to love ourselves too much that we won't let it take the blame. We think of ourselves as achieving the highest form of intelligence since we were made to rule above all other living things. Maybe this is true, maybe this is not. Or maybe it is just me over-thinking. But my point is, I guess we just fail to realize the roots of our problems. We tend to see what is wrong, not the reason why it is wrong.

For instance, I join a community named community e while still a member of community s. Everybody has different opinions of me. Some like me, others don't. Then while learning the community, I also learn its rules. There are loopholes, inconsistencies and some other rules that restrict the freedom I seek. It is fine, I guess. Things like that bound to happen. However, after some time I feel like I am not welcomed anymore. I feel that the rules are burdening me and chaining me. I cannot express myself. I feel less than what I really am. I cannot release my full potential. With these problemsslashcomplaints in my bag of things, I leave the community. I tell the leaders that I feel unwelcomed, and everybody seem to dislike me, and the rules and such choke me and I feel un-free, for lack of better words.

In this case, I am only looking at what the community is at face value. I guess, I do not realize that I should socialize more to gain friends and to remove their bad impressions of me. I do not realize that I should face them not with a facade but of my real persona. I do not realize that I should have sought out the answers and justifications of the rules imposed by the community. That I should have taken the opinions of the superiors, not only the opinions made by myself. Lastly, I do not realize that I should have had an open mind right from the start. After all, communities vary from others. What may be applicable to community s may not be applicable to community e. As simple as that.

Now that I left community e, I go back to community s. Knowing to myself that this community is my real family. That the other community could never compare. I guess I did not really put my heart when I joined community e. That is the bad thing in there. There will be those community leaders I may have hurt due to my choice of wordsslashcomplaints. And as leaders, they cannot force me to continue being in their community if those are what I think of it. But it is certain that I have hurt them. And they might have been annoyed at me as well.

My other point is, I should have gone into a reflective mode, even if for once in a while. Entering a community is different from leaving it. It is all because I am thinking that community e has been detrimental to my freedom of expression when in fact it is only me who thinks that way. That I should have consulted the rules and made do with what I can for this community.

In psychology, what our minds think affects us more than what others do.

A-Musings of Trivialities

And so I mused to myself while washing the dishes a while ago.



What is to be mature?


Is it to develop proper manners? Is it to be able to act cool and collected? Is it to change your point of views in a broader sense? Mature people have always appeared to me like that. They have a good sense of what is right and what is wrong. They work with grace under pressure. They are open to a variety of opinions and does not hesitate to consider them no matter how absurd. They are most efficient in their tasks.


Or maybe it is a resignation of some sort?


From what I had observed, I asked myself what made them mature. Maybe there is a common bond that ties all these characteristics of maturity. Maybe they may not call it resignation but rather acceptance. I'd like to call mine resignation.


I had to contemplate first if I should wash the dishes or not. I was assessing myself if I am too tired - I have a heavy cold, in fact - and to ask my mom to wash it instead. Then I saw her mountain of laundry and that idea was history. I thought about asking father to wash the dishes - Armageddon almost came at that brief moment - since he had arrived at home early and was doing nothing but using Virtual DJ - as far as my instincts tell me. But as I looked again at the dishes - contempt, forlorn and dejection - I sighed to myself and told me, 'Fine. Can't be helped.' And that's when I found myself thinking about maturity.


As I feel myself coming to terms with the responsibilities I carry, I am still wondering how in the heavens I have done chores [that goes without saying 'without complaining']. Maybe it's resignation, maybe it's something else.

A Farewell

I speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

I have so many thoughts in my mind since yesternight. They have been jumbling themselves, trying to dominate each other on which I would prioritize first. It was hard sorting them but I decided I would start with this: I could not keep the promise I made to myself, one term ago. After this program, as I told myself, I would allot a day of bitterness, self-pity, sadness and general unhappiness. I do not want to lie to myself, saying I am going to be all right; I am not bitter; I already accepted my fate. As a fellow human being, I am selfish, conceited, egoistic and many other negative adjectives Merriam Webster has. I have my own pride and to have anyone (including friends) trampling on it like trash would truly answer to me. And so the solution of releasing everything in one full day came up. Why just one? Why not a whole year? That's because I recognize my negative attitudes and I am doing my best to keep it from ruling over me. One day is more than enough, said my mind. 

I did cry last night. Out of sadness, out of happiness. I told myself 'if I did not cry, then when will I?'. Sadness because of the way things turned out to be but if I may say so myself, overall happiness because of the way things turned out to be. No matter how much my heart says, 'this cannot be happening, you're supposed to be one', I could not think of anything but the righteousness of the events. It's as if I felt even more at ease, if not truly relieved. And then my mind nagged at my heart, saying, 'when will you start the one day isolation?'. I stopped instantly, feeling my way inside; looking for the answers to the question my mind asked. I summoned the feelings I had since the start of the training and I found them gone. Waning, to be exact. I did not answer it right away and instead comforted and congratulated those people in that secluded pavillion. I cried for them, with them. Hugged them with all of my feelings in my sleeves. I showed them how much I truly loved them with my words and tears. I told them how deserving they are and how I will never ever leave them hanging. I was filled with their feelings and mine and it was an overwhelming experience. And so I cried. Unafraid, uninhibited. I wanted to show all of them my sadness and my happiness, so that they will know they mean so much to me.

But for some reasons, the tables turned. As I sat in my parents' car, driving back home, imagining the comfort of my love-pillow and sofa bed, a whirlwind of thoughts came rushing back to me. I left my tears and sadness in the tent and sadly, remnants of it still clung to my heart. I entertained them whilst looking outside the window with nothing but darkness in sight. It was a welcome change against the colorful scene brought upon by morning. I was able to get into trance easily. And so, that question came up again: when will you start your one day isolation? Honestly, I am still asking that question now. I am finding even an evidence of the bitterness I have conditioned myself one term ago. I tapped into my heart for debris of sorrow and grief and found none. I only felt a vague sense of ease and general tranquility within. Even my heart, so loud and wild yesternight is now only basking in serenity. My tearducts ran out of water and salt supply. No matter how much I thought of not being one of them, it stayed calm and even thankful. Then I came to a conclusion: My grief left as fast as it had arrived. And that is because, the 12 people I had worked with, the 12 people who will pioneer the organization are those people I have supported since the very start. And unknowingly, I have accepted them - loved them even - that I could not find myself resenting them, feeling bitter about them, saddening because of them. Though I am thankful for that, I feel bad about myself. Because I promised me that I would allot one day for bitterness, self-pity, sadness and general unhappiness. 

But now, I cannot even do that to save my life. I have invented the bitterness I am sure I would feel. And I could not contain the level of stupidity of my situation right now. I feel like laughing my lungs out while crying my eyes out. But then, I preferred to stay calm. Scold myself for another broken vow. And I am thinking of torturing myself with graphic horror movies I never dared to watch. As an afterthought, I ate my lunch while watching SAW I-VII. But behind all of these realizations, let this ultimatum be the end of the prospects 2k12 training program for me. I want to thank the new EB13, before and after the training, and for all of the times they will be there for us. I want you guys to know that I will be here for you, as a fellow Operations-Reseach and Development officer (from the best committee [Operations] forever, of course). I will help you with the skills I acquired from the training and will never let you down. I will be with you; serving under our organization, serving under and with you, becoming a pillar that will never fall. I will not waste my time and tears and our friendship because of my conceit and selfishness. I'll expect a rough road with you guys, and expect that I'll bump and bounce with you at each protruding rock on our path. I will sing with you our goals until my voice is no more than an inaudible groan. I will lend you all that I am so that there will NEVER EVER BE A NANOSECOND THAT YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE ALONE. I am so filled with positive vibes right now and with the last words in here, I am officially ending the prospects 2k12 training program.

EB12, I am so grateful with your decisions, considering it is hard for all of you. I share your hardships and pain and all those feelings I felt last night. Special mention to Kuya Robin for his last power hug. Totally made my night. EB13, so many words will never suffice to summarize my feelings for you so let this simple phrase give justice to it, at the very least: I love you.

Together we stand; Divided we fall. ONE FAMILY, ONE ECES.

Food for the Mind II

Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.

Piscine Molitor Patel from The Life of Pi by Yann Martel

Posts, posts, posts...

I saw my older posts in some of the blogs I have used.

And I was like...




;____; What did I just write?

Food for the Mind

It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

Do Bloggers Dream of Textified Sheep?

I don't know. I honestly don't. At all.

I got this tagline from "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" story by Phillip K. Dick. Man, he's like, a master storyteller. As a commercial, I'd recommend to you reading one of his short stories called Minority Report. You may want to watch the movie, too. (Tom Cruise starred there!)

So, what's up?

Nothing much except that I really have no time to blog anymore. @_@ But I finally found a free time and I wanted to post a blog or two about my recent digital art.

This is an apple. Yes.

There was one time when I was browsing few deviants in DA and I came across Nei Ruffino's artworks. And my jaw dropped.

From then on, I got inspired to do digital coloring even though I absolutely have no idea on how to do it using Photoshop. Not to mention I got a bad eye for colors. (That's why I never did any coloring @_@). I feel so inferior during art class especially when using colors. I could sketch, but not color. And so I decided to go out of my comfort zone, downloaded a lineart from Mr. Google and then took my PSCS4 and colored the apple. I thought maybe I should start first with an easy image and after reading some tutorials on PSCS4 tricks, I was able to color the apple. I know, the leaf does not look good. But meh, my first try on digital coloring. And with a mouse. I thought I killed my hand. TT_TT

And so, I'll try to feature some of my digital arts in here soon.

COPIC MARKERS

Maybe I will do a more detailed review on copic markers in my next post but for now, I am so very much elated at my finished product. Fruits of hardcore resistance on "other" temptations (read: books, books and more books to read) enabled me to buy some hardcore-priced markers that are truly worth the money. And they are called Copic Markers.

I wish I have these many. Can someone give me a gift? Pretty please? With sugar and royal icing on top?

As of now, I only have 6 colors: E00, E02, E29, RV13, RV34 and 0 (The Legendary Colorless Blender - I am so lucky to have obtained it.). 

I got this starter set idea from Michelle Houghton (click her name to find out more about Copic Markers immediately!) and her article here. And recently, I've been experimenting with RV13 and RV34 but it seems to me I can't get them to blend with each other due to the huge gap in their numbers. So, today I bought the latest four (the E's and 0) and I tried it on a lineart I printed off a laser ink printer. I am quite afraid of using inkjet due to its ink issues with liquids. Or is it just water since Copic Markers are alcohol based?

Here's my very first try on E00 and E02:

It's not very good, is it? Because I wasn't using the right strokes to create that flawless look. And then I got bored and I decided to use the chisel tip to brighten my day and yet, it still turned out bad. I therefore learned a lesson: Never use Copic Markers when you're bored and generally pissed because you can't color it right.

So, again, I tried, after cooling down for a few minutes, in another printed lineart. This is Chi, by the way. From Chobits. I don't know from what anime did the first one hail from.

I saw that it was good but I was not satisfied. This picture made me feel so stupid in the "proper lighting" field. I wasn't very good with colors, in the first place, and I tend to prefer flat coloring than those with 3D effect to it using multiple colors. The face, I reckoned, wasn't properly colored because of the poor coloring and my general ignorance in terms of where the light source is. I just can't imagine. If you notice, the hair and her ear were colored differently. Before I started using Copics, I tried my coloring skills with cheaper markers. These are Lil' Hands 24ct washable markers. I wanted to have the 50ct Crayola for wider range of colors but I had to make do with the available ones. It costs like one copic marker. Actually, one copic marker is a little bit more expensive than these 24ct washable markers. How's that?

And so, after cooling down again, I watched a few videos on how to color (yes, there's a technique! remember, it's still a marker) with these awesome and pocket-burning markers and with Michelle's tutorial on blending, ta-da! My first Copic Marker art! I only have colored the skin since the E's I have are actually for skin tones. I used The Colorless Blender (capitalized due to pure awesomeness), E00 and E02). Actually, I am at loss on where to use E29 because I realized E29 is waaaay too faaar from E00. @_@ Sheer excitement is to be blamed. I think more likely on the hair but I won't touch that first until I bought some of its family members.

Here's the art I've colored after my rant. Sorry for keeping you.

I am so proud of this work. I have to use E00 over and over again to get the proper blending. And goodness, I know I still have lots to improve but I got motivated by this piece of art. I truly did not expect this outcome and I wish I could buy more colors to be able to color the whole lineart. I used RV34 on the pinks. Another one of my experiments. And there you have it. I have tons of people to thank and these are them:

Annel Ribay - My classmate who endorsed the Copic Marker stores for me. (There are so few of them here.)

MsKerrieJ or MissKerrieJ - A YouTube user who has many Copic Marker speedpainting art and who motivated me to use Copic Markers. (Yes, I was reluctant at first due to its price.)

MangaLessons - For her awesome tutorials.

Michelle Houghton - Who started it all. The idea of the starter set and some thorough general information on Copic Markers. By the way, I saw that Fully Booked in here sells Tria Letraset. I'll try it sometime. :)

Mother - Who gave me allowance every week and where I got my savings from.

God - Who led me to this awesome field of art.

A big THANK YOU to these people.

NP: Talumpati

Kamakailan lang, napakinggan ko iyong kanta ni Gloc-9 na Sirena. Nakita ko iyon sa Yahoo! Philippines at naging interesado akong mapakinggan. Kilala ko na si Gloc-9 noong narinig ko ang mga rap niyang "Upuan" at "Walang Natira." Pero hindi siya tumatak sa akin noon bilang isang mang-aawit. Ang alam ko lang, ang ganda ng dalawang rap niyang iyon. Ayan nga pala ang bago niyang album.

Ako’y isang sirena
Kahit anong sabihin nila ako ay ubod ng ganda
Ako’y isang sirena
Kahit anong gawin nila bandera ko’y di tutumba
Drum na may tubig ang sinisisid
Naglalakihang mga braso sa akin dumidikdik
Drum na may tubig ang sinisisid
Sa patagalan ng paghinga, sa’kin kayo ay bibilib

Listen to Songs: http://videokeman.com/gloc-9/sirena-gloc-9/#ixzz2B4FzlLWB

Nang napakinggan ko iyang kantang iyan, tsaka ko lang talaga siya nakilalang magaling mag-rap. Nakakuha ako ng tatlong albums niya (Matrikula, Talumpati at MKNM) na may mga mensahe. At napakinggan ko nga ang lahat ng mga rap niya. May mga paborito ako:

Bugtong

Sirena

Malakas

Talumpati

Hari ng Tondo

Akin Lang Naman

Upuan

Walang Natira

Napaka-tapang niya sa paggawa ng mga rap na katulad nito. Sa pagsisimula pa lang ay alam mo na may pinupuna siya. At hindi lang din sa pag-rap siya magaling kung hindi sa paggamit din ng mga salita. Mababatid mong pinili niya ang mga salitang inilapat sa tono - at kung minsan ay wala talagang tono - at ang masasabi ko lang ay magaling.


Heto nga pala ang mensahe niya sa mga matatamaan ng kanyang makabuluhang mga rap.

Kahit anong iharang mo itatawid ko ang kantaBilangin mo ang sugat ko sumusubasok sa lupaTinig ko'y maririnig sisigaw ka sa madlaSumulat , gamiting tinta'y alugbatiSa aking talumpati sa aking talumpatiSa aking talumpati
Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/gloc-9-lyrics-talumpati-feat-imago-l74nkrk#ixzz2B4IqvVSL 

LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community  

Cleaning Laptop 101

For the sake of two new posts, I split my posts.

So today, I have managed to fix my lappie - still has no name huhuhu - and recovered tons of space for my hard drive. TT_TT From an alarming free space of 325 Mb of 148 Gb, now it's:

I deleted my games, unused programs, random documents, installers and reinstalled iTunes (I recovered 48 Gb worth of free space from this). iTunes takes up a lot of space and since I am not gifted with a laptop of 320 Gb, space matters. I still think I need to remove some files yet. And it's a huge relief for me. See my desktop:

Isn't it sweet and clean? Next stop, my external hard drive to clean. :)) And I'm thinking of saving up money for a new 1 Tb hard drive. 500 Gb is so not enough to hold all of my movies and manga and files all at the same time. T_T

Welcome to Me

And I'm back from the dead.

It's been over a year. Congratulations to me.

I lost interest, I guess. In blogging, that is. Too much stuff to do in school. My hands were always full. And I've been reading the books I have bought from fully-booked. Time to catch up to cyber world. And recently, I've been re-inspired - if such word exists - to blog again by a *COUGH*fiend*COUGH* friend who goes by the name of Ysa and this her blog. I'm thinking of still blabbering in this blog even if there are not that many viewers and posting stories that were long in hiatus. And mostly, this blog would contain rants.

And today, it will be all.