Letting Off Steam

          Have you ever met someone so inconsistent with his words and actions it makes your head spin faster than a whirlpool? He tells you to be transparent with him - to tell him what you exactly feel about him. To be honest to him. He won't be angry. Yes, I tried being frank. And look what happens: He did not get angry - he just left. He's not preaching what he says. I've met these kinds of people disguised as my "short-term friends"- too many of them back in high school. But as Lang Leav said, 

"The things that seem to matter less, are the ones we put on show."

         It's not one of my best poems and I'm not even infinitesimally proud of it, but it exactly reflects what I feel about these hot and cold people - the Ciel way. Rough, rude, blunt, unrefined and totally not complete without a minor string of swear words. I'm so sorry I'm just talented in the field of saying swear words.

I cannot get closer to you.

Not now, or ever.

In fear that my feelings will overflow and spill unto your person again. You see, there's this cup of unrequited love that can only be filled with so much bitterness and self-loathing. Every time I see you, the cup is filled with the liquid proportional to the pain it brings. After sometime, the cup is filled to the brim and the liquid overflows. That's the point of no return where I confessed my feelings to you.

It's not because I assumed that you like me, too, but because I could not contain the unrequited feelings that seem to increase. I had to let it out, lest I drown.

I am happy with the current us. I could not have asked for more. I would not ask for more. They say that to love someone does not mean to force a commitment. Sometimes I just have to be satisfied with whatever connection we have as long as it stays.

But.

This is the first time I felt emptiness whenever I am with the one I love.

Do not worry. I kept my word. How could I not? I cut off the roots. It was hard. It took a toll on me, physically and emotionally. But I was able to do it, because of you. Some little sacrifices I can do for you. To at least get my self even the tiniest redemption. I am just waiting for it to wilt. I am sure that when it wilts away, I will cry my last tears for this fiasco. I will be sad. Sad that my heart no longer cares differently for another. Oh, the things we do for love.

Thank you for telling me your feelings. Thank you for being honest. Most of all, thank you for still accepting me.

I might be weird, to refuse awkwardness between us when it is space that what we need the most. Space for you so that my feelings will not come into your mind. Space for me so that the buds that were long separated from their roots will not magically bloom on their own.

I guess, our friendship is just too precious. In the end, I love our friendship so much that I could not let it wilt with my feelings. It might be too selfish of me to do so, but I bared myself - all of it - to you.

I love you. I really do. I wanted to tell you again. I wanted to know if my heart will palpitate at your expression when you hear them once more. Sometimes I wish I do, so that I know I did not turn into a plant. Sometimes, I wish I do not, so that I will not carry the pain alone.

I guess I am on my road to recovery. Piecing back that part of my heart that took the damage. Maybe this is why I can talk about it, right here.

And maybe, just maybe, I have realized that no matter how I tried, I can never get closer to you. I take one step forward, you take a leap ahead. But do know I will never catch up to you. Even if I did, I will make sure I will only be ahead of you or behind you. 

Because being on equal pacing with you will make me release the tight reign I tied myself into.

And all of my efforts might go down the drain.

So, history will repeat itself. In another time, in another place.

This might cause even more damage to both of us.

And so, I cannot get closer to you.