Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day, Mary

Dear Mary,

     I love you. I have been ever since I can remember. I loved you first. I supported you in your every endeavor. The first time you had a crush. The first time you said those three words to him. The first time you got rejected. I never left your side. I formulated happy thoughts and "strong heart" quotes for you as your mantra. I held your heart to catch the imaginary debris as you felt it breaking. I held you together as your body shook with each tear that fell from your eyes. I loved you even when you never returned my feelings. I kept on breathing for you to live and move on. I sat beside you as you bawl your eyes out until you hurt no more.
     Until you found the internet and saw quotes about loving me. I am so happy as I thought I'd have a chance with you. And it was as the articles say. When you told me you love me, it was magical. Such a wonderful thing it is to have my feelings returned. I know you felt it, too. You started singing me praises. You started telling me I'm beautiful and it only strengthened my love for you. There are still times you say mean things to me when the situation calls for it, but I've forgiven you because I know you don't mean it. Every time you look at me and you tell me I can do it, I'm strong and you love me, I cannot contain myself and manifest into a smile that further lightens up your face.
     But I understand you will grow up sooner or later. You will be looking for a person that you feel would complete you. You would think you fall in love but proven wrong by that person, worse getting a third degree. I still don't get why they are not satisfied by the answer, "I love you just because." It's not like they would return the feeling anyway to deserve the explanation. I know it wouldn't be a smooth ride like what those chick flicks and novels taught you. And I feel the dread coming. It's like that time when you have not learned to love me. You'll look at me and tell me I am not capable of being loved because I'm not beautiful enough. That I need to be as slim as those VS angels to have people turning their heads at me. That breaks my heart the most.
     I want to tell you that you need nothing of those because you are never born to please people. I want to let you know you are already complete. Please forgive me for not entertaining any potential mates. I've seen douchebags turn their heads at you but I don't let you notice them because they are not worth it. I want you to know I could not have been more proud of you by surviving years without ever needing a man. He is out there, waiting for you to turn your attention to him. You will never lose me because you are always in my sight. Above all, you are the one I'll ever love the most. Happy Valentine's day.

Truly and Forever Yours,

Monday, April 7, 2014

A Cruel World

"I don't want to mistake kindness for affection. It caused a few handful of heartaches in this world."

via tumblr
I've known this for as long as the author of that quote posted it. I've lived by it and it did me good. It was a binary kind of lifestyle. Just 1 and 0. Yes and No. Like and dislike. Good and bad. Black and white. No gray areas. No other midtones. None. When you start giving color to everything, it gets complicated.

And that is exactly what I did.

Falling in like with someone should have made me feel inspired. Should make the eight-hour drag of office work seem like a minute. I should have been very enthusiastic when waking up in the morning. There were many things I should have been but I wasn't. I wasn't supposed to feel this way. This teenage-like internal squealing when I see him. Or that unnecessary nervousness that seem to prelude an ominous event. Or that strange heart palpitations that did not come from caffeine. And perhaps, the worst was drinking coffee and finding something to blame that erratic rhythm. 

There was a time I sat beside him when I felt the tips of my fingers being dipped in liquefied ice even when the window was opened. It was the same time when exchanging unpleasantries became more of a habit than an occasional unwinder. But he was kind - often talks to me when I sit beside him. He lets me peek a snippet of his life once in a while and I thought it was endearing.

But not anymore when he mentioned his girl.

"Let us offer a moment of silence for our friendzoned brother." via tumblr

And just one of the many reasons why the world is cruel is that we often mistake kindness for love.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Some Theories Explaining Why We Usually Fall for those who were Taken Already (And its Side Effects)

I finally had the time to poke around this blog...again! I'm still counting my blessings and lost count of it actually. So, time for a new one! I recently found this question bugging me one cold morning in a steamy shower with myself. I thought about my conquests - sounds weird considering I'm a girl - throughout the years and I found out that most of those I fell in like with were actually taken men. There's guy named tooot who studies at tooot. Then this egoistic and airy guy here at the office with the name of tooooot who just can't shut up at how handsome he is. Well, some men are like that.

Via tumblr.
Yeah, yeah. I know. Life is hard. Life gives us lemons and I just can't help but ask, WHY?! What did I ever do wrong to receive such fate? However, for about 20 years of living in this shithole called world, I realized I might have theorized some pointers to finally answer that ego-killing, definitely grueling question. And some of its side effects. No, these are all based on my irrelevant opinion. First theory: If there is one thing I noticed in most couples,

1. People are bound to be more radiant when they find the love of their lives.

Via rebloggy
Yeah. It's all rainbows and unicorns and dogs and bitches all the time. Nope. Not even an ounce of bitterness here. I know you secretly want to be her,

2. But maybe not as *cough*display.

Via rebloggy
Next theory according to my brilliant mind,

3. We are secretly jealous of his 'catch.'

Via tumblr
We tend to be attracted to those claimed already, knowing that they are being valued by someone. But no, you just had to be jealous. Jealous of that girl who saw something in this seemingly good-for-nothing man. The worst case scenario here would be if the man in question is actually a very close friend of yours. And he wants NO. 

No matter how nice she may be, or how angelic her face may seem, you just know you despise her deeply. I do believe what they say that a man makes other women be jealous of his girlfriend. And boy, seriously, you're doing it right. I'm so green with envy right now. And of course, you wanted to hold a grudge against him. You wanted to make him feel how stupid and far sighted he is to fail to see you. You wanted to

3. Bawl your eyes out. But you can't. You just can't.

Via tumblr
You have no right. It does not matter if you were always there for him.Throughout his drunken states, bearing his annoying drama regarding this girl he courts, and even becoming a martyr - standing tall and proud while you watch him being taken by another girl

4. - pretending you are very happy for him.

Via i.imgur
I totally get your make-face behind. I feel you. However, you still are entitled to some rights in choosing his girl. It doesn't have to be that two-faced cow.

4. And thus, this is your current state.

Via tumblr
Although, it's just inside your head. A place where he would never bother peeking through. And that is melancholic as forgetting your umbrella on a rainy day with your Sunday dress. For the next theory, when he finally notices your change of states - from being the bundle of joy everytime you walk home together to being the saddest heap of junk - and prophetically say, 'there's something wrong with you',

5. You just wanna tell him

Via gifrific
Yeah, congratulations on solving the most complex puzzle ever. Kthnxbye. I wanna be alone. Finally, you just really want to be with him but at the same time, some other bitch woman wanted him, too. It's just a matter of choice for him and so...

6. She ruined everything.

Via tumblr
As in, completely. But you cannot do that, so the only choices for you are to

7. Do nothing and just be a biatch at everything in life - just not to those two or

Via wordpress

8. Cry every night and be a biatch at everything in life. The pain you're suffering is so big it did not fit the post frame.


But remember, don't get too caught up with him. There will always be someone for you at the right time and at the right place. Besides, there's your family there to love you.

 Besides, who said we need a man to make it happen?

Via tumblr

Okay, I do.
Via tumblr

Monday, March 3, 2014

Counting My Blessings # 4

          One of the things I always look forward to during Wednesday is the fact that it is the middle of the week. Meaning just two more days of torture and finally a two-day break. Another thing, it is the day when I and my friends go to Makati Feast Amorsolo. I kind of regretted not going waay before. But I am happy I'm with my two best friends all the time. So, we met at McDo Ayala and grabbed something to eat. That time, I was planning on FINALLY eating BigMac (I've seriously yearned for this meal since I saw my friend Bryan eating it and NOT FINISHING THE WHOLE THING. That rich guy. :( And it is what he always orders. ) because I got a McDO discount of BigMac for only 95pesos. And it's a meal already. But then I got guilty because Sheena only ate an apple and whole grain biscuit that time. She said it was for her dress for Harvest of Winners. And then I thought, I also had to do that. So I ate 3/4 of the BigMac and barely enjoying it (because it wasn't that good while knowing it stores loads of fats in my body every time I chew) and gave the remaining 1/4 to Sheena.

          During the Feast, we were a bit late because Bro. Jan already started speaking. We also missed the usual opening song and prayer before the speech proper. Anyways, the Feast talked about the 8 areas of our lives in which God wants us to be wealthy. There were eight of them: Faith, fire, family, friends, faculties, fun and finance. But the top four which had the impact to me the most were: Faith, Family, Friends and Fitness. God wants us to be rich in our faith in Him so that when persecutors are suing us, we are well-equipped with the right armor and weapon to protect ourselves. It had an impact on me because it was exactly what happened to me. When I accepted Jesus in my life and totally surrendered to Him, I strengthened my faith in Him. And when other people from other religions criticize my religion, I just elegantly lift my thick left eyebrow in my mind and take note of what they were saying. Unlike before, I was really ready to change into their religion. God wants us to be rich in our family life. Bro. Jan just said the line with perfect timing to some of my pondering (warning: not verbatim): "Kung nagka-emergency kayo sa pamilya niyo, go. Unahin mo sila. Kanina may nagpaalam sa akin ng, 'Bro. Jan, pasensya na hindi muna ako makakapunta sa Feast kasi nagkasakit anak ko,' and ang sabi ko, 'Go. Mas importante 'yan." It's not that we are prioritizing first our family over Jesus because when we accept Jesus, we are already putting Him first in our lives. Nothing can ever dethrone Him there. And I was really inspired to be a family girl. To spend time with them more often especially when the drag and drone of work/school gets into our skin. Another thing, God wants us to be rich in our friends. First, be a friend to others. Make sure you can be a friend to anyone before making friends. And then, it's not that we are being judgmental but WE SHOULD CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS. If our friends prevents us from being fruitful, then they're not good. You may choose to help them change their way of life or simply stop associating with them. But choose friends who help you grow. Who will inspire a change for your own betterment. These should be our friends. And then Sheena said, 'Tama nga. Hindi porke't naaawa ka sa tao o mukha siyang kawawa, e, kakaibiganin mo na lang.' and this really got me thinking. Lastly, God also wants us to be rich in our physical fitness. That's the time I really decided on my path to physical healing. I put it in my Novena booklet so that I could pray for it and finally put it into action.

          During the offering again, I put in my tithe but only the amount my heart is willing. I also wrote in my prayers at the back of the envelope to at least experience Lasallian Excellence Awards night. With the leaflet, there was a check signed by God from the Bank of Providence. The catch in there is this: Ask God - put in the exact amount that you wanted to get and when do you want to get it. It was hard for me because Bro. Jan said, if you want 10 Million, then put it in there. God does not run out of wealth. He also shared that those who wrote in there had received what they asked. Wow. Instant millionare. Lol. So, I thought hard. At first I wanted to wrote 1 Million and I would receive it on my birthday this year. But it got me thinking on what would I do with 1 Million. When I couldn't find any rationale since I was thinking only of myself, I put in a smaller amount and prayed for it. I prayed for what I would do with that amount and there. I still have yet to receive it. Though I got kind of sad since I was thinking only of myself. I hope there would be another chance for it.

          The Feast, as always ended with a blast. We all went home together and parted ways at Buendia. When I got home, I opened my FB in iPad to check on some notifications when a particular news hit me: My activity was a finalist for HOW. Oh my. And it was really, really shocking for me because I just asked God that I wanted to at least attend one LEA night. And wow. I was heard. I really jumped all over the house in joy and I even told my story to my mom and she was delighted. Blessed indeed.

Counting My Blessings # 3

          I'm blessed once more by our weekly bible study with Sherwin. And really, God is also like BDO. He find ways. The week I experienced this (Feb 25), he had to go to Surigao for some training shizz with our clients. Since our bible study is always Thursdays, 6-7pm, we had to adjust the bible study on the said date, Tuesday. I was really hoping for a longer bible study because an hour is so not enough to tackle the module he prepares plus our sharing part.

          As part of my spiritual healing, I am very thirsty for any information about Jesus. I wanted to know him more and more and of course to have a better understanding of His plans for me. And I believe I am getting what I need through this bible study, plus the prayer meeting done by Makati Feast Amorsolo every Wednesday. Just last week, I heard some of the teachings of ADD and considering I have a renewed armor of faith and knowledge about the teachings in the Bible, I was kind of unsettled by what I heard. As advised by Sherwin, we can take note of what the teachings says and share it during the Bible study. The afternoon before this bible study, I was hesitant about telling it to him for some reasons I could not really comprehend. But suddenly, I just blurted it out to him, in the middle of a meeting, no less, and I realized I've done the right thing. He also needed to prepare for this. Silly me.

         During the bible study, I was able to share the blessings I have received and it was an exhilarating experience for me to be able to find Jesus in my life. During this time as well, I was able to clarify my questions regarding the bible, particular on the Gospels. And the fact that I am able to hear other's opinions regarding it makes it even more meaningful. Some of the things that remind me to be thankful to the Lord.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Counting My Blessings # 2

          Just last week, the day after my first visit to Feast Amorsolo, I was already blessed. I couldn't let the incident pass and I even wrote it on my phone's memo pad to keep the memory alive. And simply because I have bad memory. So, here is my story.

          Just last week, Thursday I think, I had money crisis. I had 250 PhP in my wallet, with some side extra money that I saved from the previous weeks. My van fee was 70 pesos so I paid 120 pesos to the dispatcher and I got a 50 peso change. The 20 pesos was from the extra stash. Well, it's not really crisis if I just stayed hungry for breakfast and pig out during lunch. But I was really hungry so I bought food from mini stop. My bill was around 100+ since I have only 150 pesos left, I used the last 100 pesos from my stash, because the rest were just 20 peso bills. It was my last large bill because I gave the other 100 pesos to Feast Amorsolo during the offering. And then I prayed to God saying, 'Lord, mukhang kulang na pera ko. Sana hindi ako maka-gastos ng bongga sa lunch.' Well, the food being served here in Jolly Jeep of Ate Tina are very tasty and cheap. I could get adobo and rice for just 55 pesos or so. The vegetable serving is just 20 pesos, sometimes 15 pesos, depending on the vegetable. Lunch time came and the head HR reminded me that I would accompany them for an ocular visit of the venue for a marketing event. And the whole lunch thing was out of my mind. I was like, okay, we'd go and then I'll just have late lunch later. I was with my supervisor, too.

          After the ocular, the three of us entered Greenbelt mall and free lunch dawned on me. I was like, lucky day! We had sotanghon soup and grilled bangus at Reyes Barbeque. After eating, the boss treated us frosty from Wendy's. So, I was a totally happy kid that time. When I settled myself in the PUV going home, I took my wallet to pay the fare. Then, I saw 150 pesos in my wallet. I was confused because I didn't know where I got this money. Then, it dawned on me: God answered my prayer. I was repeating Praise the Lord in my head all the way and it took me a while to overcome the feeling of blessedness. I only consumed the 100 pesos and the remaining 50 pesos was the only bill left for me. During the Feast Amorsolo, I learned about tithing - giving 10% of my weekly allowance for the lord. After computation, my tithing money weekly is 150 pesos and thus, the 50 pesos remaining was the one I gave to the Holy Mass last Sunday.

Counting My Blessings # 1

       Memory is never to be trusted because it can be tampered with, it can be compromised and it's definitely not good for storing long-term thoughts. The truth about those 'forgotten' thoughts is that they're like those romantic bottled messages scattered and whisked away by the waves of the ocean. When we remember them, it's akin to those bottled messages resurfacing and being found by some random and so very hot we have this illusion of being soulmates dude. But of course, the content of this paragraph is based solely on the author's irrelevant and very poor opinion of her memory, thus this should not be accepted as a postulate but as a theory it may do

          So, the rationale behind this post is basically the post's title: counting my blessings. As I go on with my one-way spiritual journey, of course I don't intend to go back, hence the adjective one-way, else I'm just fooling myself. If there is one thing that resonates from the time I was taking up CLVE classes (Christian Living and Values Education, if my memory doesn't want to embarrass me, I got the acronym correct), leading a Christian life would be hard because Satan would have to focus its influence on you more to bend your path. But of course, this will not happen if we believe that Jesus is always looking out for us. In my personal experience, I heard the Word many times before. I was inspired to the point of crying and swearing that from now on I will live a Christian life. But what a big lie that was. After about 2 weeks, I went back to my old ways and waahlaah~ back to zero. But now, it's different.

          I remembered the worst test of faith I had during the latter days of January wherein I semi-clashed with the beliefs/teachings of another person belonging to another religion. I was totally helpless because I could not counter the things the person said about my religion. The words were so intense that I was almost inclined to be part of the person's religion, but I was held back. Something was holding me back that time, because I was partly reluctant. I mean, me - I pride myself on the strong foundation of my principles and yet I could be swayed by this person, who I barely knew, who says that all those things I believed in since before was utter crap. Wait, wait, wait. That is not the way to go. Even if I didn't attend the mass religiously and I wasn't very enthusiastic on proclaiming the Lord, I couldn't just let go whatever was my leverage on my supposed faith. So I sought help from my CLVE teacher before and I was washed with relief that I had been right to stay strong. Thus, the start of my reformation.

          After being reconnected with my CLVE professor, God gave me another person (and finally, a group!) who I can depend on in times of religion conflict. Though Sherwin is a Born Again and I'm a Catholic, the way he preaches is simply the same. Although we made clear to each other that we have different religious beliefs coming from different religions, I knew I could trust him in the matters of the Bible. So every week, I attend two bible studies - Feast Amorsolo and this weekly bible study with him. I remembered my first bible study with this guy Sher, it was an emotional roller coaster for me. Simply because I'm a total drama queen and well it was hard for me to adapt to that person (the one with different beliefs) and the obvious religious attacks. There wasn't much to talk about because it was the first bible study he conducted and because he just wanted to relay the message that Love God above all and love others as you love yourself. During the second bible study, I semi-learned about my purpose in life, as I have posted 2 posts ago. 

          However, Feast Amorsolo is what really hit me for real. I remembered Ms. Rissa Singson-Kawpeng's spiritual realization: Saan ako kakapit kung pati ang lupang kinatatayuan ko nagugunaw din? Well, it was not verbatim but that's the idea. And I was like, Oh my wow. Lord is really amazing and like totally, as if I couldn't stop fangirling about Dante from Devil May Cry. But of course, I cannot fangirl the Lord because He's already my brother and best friend. I was hit by that truth and as usual, yours truly became another emotional mess. But that is to say, Feast Amorsolo really strengthened what I have been cultivating since February 6 (first bible study). It just revealed to me that the Force which kept me strong during my test of faith, the Force that turned be 180 degrees back to Him is none other than Jesus. Actually at first, I thought I would yo-yo back the way I was before after the first bible study. But I learned that if you really surrendered - totally completely to God, He would be there to support you. He would not forsake you. And this is my testament.

          So, the point of this post is to help me remind myself of God's blessings to me everyday. Honestly, He's been providing me in His own amazing ways. And everytime the realization would hit me, I could only say, 'Bro, you're so amazing.'