A Cruel World

"I don't want to mistake kindness for affection. It caused a few handful of heartaches in this world."

-Sacdalan, 2012

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I've known this for as long as the author of that quote posted it. I've lived by it and it did me good. It was a binary kind of lifestyle. Just 1 and 0. Yes and No. Like and dislike. Good and bad. Black and white. No gray areas. No other midtones. None. When you start giving color to everything, it gets complicated.

And that is exactly what I did.

Falling in like with someone should have made me feel inspired. Should make the eight-hour drag of office work seem like a minute. I should have been very enthusiastic when waking up in the morning. There were many things I should have been but I wasn't. I wasn't supposed to feel this way. This teenage-like internal squealing when I see him. Or that unnecessary nervousness that seem to prelude an ominous event. Or that strange heart palpitations that did not come from caffeine. And perhaps, the worst was drinking coffee and finding something to blame that erratic rhythm. 

There was a time I sat beside him when I felt the tips of my fingers being dipped in liquefied ice even when the window was opened. It was the same time when exchanging unpleasantries became more of a habit than an occasional unwinder. But he was kind - often talks to me when I sit beside him. He lets me peek a snippet of his life once in a while and I thought it was endearing.

But not anymore when he mentioned his girl.

"Let us offer a moment of silence for our friendzoned brother." via tumblr

And just one of the many reasons why the world is cruel is that we often mistake kindness for love.

Some Theories Explaining Why We Usually Fall for those who were Taken Already (And its Side Effects)

I finally had the time to poke around this blog...again! I'm still counting my blessings and lost count of it actually. So, time for a new one! I recently found this question bugging me one cold morning in a steamy shower with myself. I thought about my conquests - sounds weird considering I'm a girl - throughout the years and I found out that most of those I fell in like with were actually taken men. There's guy named tooot who studies at tooot. Then this egoistic and airy guy here at the office with the name of tooooot who just can't shut up at how handsome he is. Well, some men are like that.

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Yeah, yeah. I know. Life is hard. Life gives us lemons and I just can't help but ask, WHY?! What did I ever do wrong to receive such fate? However, for about 20 years of living in this shithole called world, I realized I might have theorized some pointers to finally answer that ego-killing, definitely grueling question. And some of its side effects. No, these are all based on my irrelevant opinion. First theory: If there is one thing I noticed in most couples,

1. People are bound to be more radiant when they find the love of their lives.

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Yeah. It's all rainbows and unicorns and dogs and bitches all the time. Nope. Not even an ounce of bitterness here. I know you secretly want to be her,

2. But maybe not as *cough*display.

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Next theory according to my brilliant mind,

3. We are secretly jealous of his 'catch.'

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We tend to be attracted to those claimed already, knowing that they are being valued by someone. But no, you just had to be jealous. Jealous of that girl who saw something in this seemingly good-for-nothing man. The worst case scenario here would be if the man in question is actually a very close friend of yours. And he wants you.and.her.to.be.FRIENDS. NO. 

No matter how nice she may be, or how angelic her face may seem, you just know you despise her deeply. I do believe what they say that a man makes other women be jealous of his girlfriend. And boy, seriously, you're doing it right. I'm so green with envy right now. And of course, you wanted to hold a grudge against him. You wanted to make him feel how stupid and far sighted he is to fail to see you. You wanted to

3. Bawl your eyes out. But you can't. You just can't.

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You have no right. It does not matter if you were always there for him.Throughout his drunken states, bearing his annoying drama regarding this girl he courts, and even becoming a martyr - standing tall and proud while you watch him being taken by another girl

4. - pretending you are very happy for him.

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I totally get your make-face behind. I feel you. However, you still are entitled to some rights in choosing his girl. It doesn't have to be that two-faced cow.

4. And thus, this is your current state.

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Although, it's just inside your head. A place where he would never bother peeking through. And that is just...as melancholic as forgetting your umbrella on a rainy day with your Sunday dress. For the next theory, when he finally notices your change of states - from being the bundle of joy everytime you walk home together to being the saddest heap of junk - and prophetically say, 'there's something wrong with you',

5. You just wanna tell him

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Yeah, congratulations on solving the most complex puzzle ever. Kthnxbye. I wanna be alone. Finally, you just really want to be with him but at the same time, some other bitch woman wanted him, too. It's just a matter of choice for him and so...

6. She ruined everything.

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As in, completely. But you cannot do that, so the only choices for you are to

7. Do nothing and just be a biatch at everything in life - just not to those two or

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8. Cry every night and be a biatch at everything in life. The pain you're suffering is so big it did not fit the post frame.

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But remember, don't get too caught up with him. There will always be someone for you at the right time and at the right place. Besides, there's your family there to love you.

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 Besides, who said we need a man to make it happen?

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Okay, I do.

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A-musings of Trivialities Answered

A while back, I asked myself on how to be mature. 

Is it to develop proper manners? Is it to be able to act cool and collected? Is it to change your point of views in a broader sense?

These are some of the questions I posed on myself. They didn't actually made sense to me at all until such time I just decided that maturity is a resignation of some sort. Though naturally, others will call it acceptance, or coming to terms with responsibility. But I recently saw a photo shared on ShareCatholic's FB page which basically answers my questions.

Letting Off Steam

          Have you ever met someone so inconsistent with his words and actions it makes your head spin faster than a whirlpool? He tells you to be transparent with him - to tell him what you exactly feel about him. To be honest to him. He won't be angry. Yes, I tried being frank. And look what happens: He did not get angry - he just left. He's not preaching what he says. I've met these kinds of people disguised as my "short-term friends"- too many of them back in high school. But as Lang Leav said, 

"The things that seem to matter less, are the ones we put on show."

         It's not one of my best poems and I'm not even infinitesimally proud of it, but it exactly reflects what I feel about these hot and cold people - the Ciel way. Rough, rude, blunt, unrefined and totally not complete without a minor string of swear words. I'm so sorry I'm just talented in the field of saying swear words.

Brewing Trouble

Sometimes I Forget that I'm still a Kid

          Working at a company for an internship has its perks. I get to meet new people and hopefully find new friends. I find the environment even more refreshing than the constant drag and pull of time back in DLSU. What can I say? I've spent my entire life in those four walls of the room. Sometimes, there are five walls when I felt that the worker who was laying out the cement miscounted the corners he was happily making. And that's my problem. At least I am free to act like me. Who is me?

          Me who runs along the corridors and through all the maze made by those insensitive people who seemingly care about nothing but their sad sob story to be told - not minding they were actually very much blocking the runway, excuse my awesome self. Me who sings my lungs (and larynx) out with Through the Fire (Chaka Khan's version, puhlease) and other birit-worthy songs at the fire exit. Me who would emote to myself on a ledge while looking down the once-football-field-turned-to-Henry-Sy-grounds. Me who would talk to myself on my seat and don't give a shit about my changing expressions. My who would giddily drag my friends to Agno or EGI for lunch. Me who would animatedly talk about my day-to-day misfortunes and laugh at them like they never did affect me.

          And that's when I realized being in this world - the corporate world - is not easy. With my current self, I have to put up a front that would be expected by these people, and of course to not be overly weird. Sometimes I lose myself and my antics would come out. Man, I tell you hiding is hard. I'm not exactly the bearer of the Most Talented Two-Faced Douchebag trophy. And of course, faking is not exactly in my immediate vocabulary unless otherwise stated. This constricting mask makes it so that it's only a matter of time when I would finally snap and be used to this kind of lifestyle. I have to leave my mask and develop a different persona - fast. I mean, I only have around 36 units left before I graduate. I'll never be ready even if I have balikbayan box of excuses.

          Though I did notice that the people I'm working with are exactly the manifestations of the people I have met during my entire stay in the university. There are these people that clicks faster with me than the rest. Then there are these quiet people who tend to lose themselves more around themselves than the others. (What.) And of course, there are these mature people who feels like my parents. I love my environment. I love the people I work with. I love the things I do in the office (COUGHfacebooktwitterwriteblogyoutubeCOUGH). But I'm having a hard time catching up to their level of maturity. I find myself joking and I honestly don't know if 

(1) they get the joke,

(2) they are offended by the joke

(3) they don't know if it's a joke.

The last thing I would want is a civil war with myself (and those people). But then I realized, yes their ages are like two-digit numbers away from me and I really can't blame my birthday (or anything else for that matter). Rather, I should just man up (or woman up) and at least act like them. And this is why I so look forward to every thesis meeting we have. For a breather.

Anyway, I just wanted to let it off my chest.

Restrained

On Being a Poet