On Being a Poet

Rantings of Trivial Matters Part I

Well, I think I do deserve the right to rant right now. Since my last blog and that was dated July 5, 2013, I had not a time for myself except after finishing workloads after workloads of school requirements. That time, my friends, is only when I sleep. Sometimes, I do not sleep at all. I don't care. I want to sleep. Like sleep for a full 24 hour span. With no interruptions, I may add.

So many things happened. Here I am sounding like a vague oracle who never really see anything clear in her crystal ball of insanity. I mean, paperworks, projects, project, paperworks. Seriously. Our professors are ganging up on us. I am so very inclined to think that they have conspired with each other secretly (probably in the old and abandoned elevator of Br. Connon Hall, don't you think so?). Everything is overlapping with each other that I truly wish I can do Kagebunshin technique of Naruto. No, I haven't read Naruto and I wish I can start now because most of my friends are reading it. Even our faculty adviser who constantly share the manga updates.

I HAVEN'T BEEN UPDATED WITH BLEACH.

Meh, this is part 1. I will be doing part 2 later at home.

I cannot get closer to you.

Not now, or ever.

In fear that my feelings will overflow and spill unto your person again. You see, there's this cup of unrequited love that can only be filled with so much bitterness and self-loathing. Every time I see you, the cup is filled with the liquid proportional to the pain it brings. After sometime, the cup is filled to the brim and the liquid overflows. That's the point of no return where I confessed my feelings to you.

It's not because I assumed that you like me, too, but because I could not contain the unrequited feelings that seem to increase. I had to let it out, lest I drown.

I am happy with the current us. I could not have asked for more. I would not ask for more. They say that to love someone does not mean to force a commitment. Sometimes I just have to be satisfied with whatever connection we have as long as it stays.

But.

This is the first time I felt emptiness whenever I am with the one I love.

Do not worry. I kept my word. How could I not? I cut off the roots. It was hard. It took a toll on me, physically and emotionally. But I was able to do it, because of you. Some little sacrifices I can do for you. To at least get my self even the tiniest redemption. I am just waiting for it to wilt. I am sure that when it wilts away, I will cry my last tears for this fiasco. I will be sad. Sad that my heart no longer cares differently for another. Oh, the things we do for love.

Thank you for telling me your feelings. Thank you for being honest. Most of all, thank you for still accepting me.

I might be weird, to refuse awkwardness between us when it is space that what we need the most. Space for you so that my feelings will not come into your mind. Space for me so that the buds that were long separated from their roots will not magically bloom on their own.

I guess, our friendship is just too precious. In the end, I love our friendship so much that I could not let it wilt with my feelings. It might be too selfish of me to do so, but I bared myself - all of it - to you.

I love you. I really do. I wanted to tell you again. I wanted to know if my heart will palpitate at your expression when you hear them once more. Sometimes I wish I do, so that I know I did not turn into a plant. Sometimes, I wish I do not, so that I will not carry the pain alone.

I guess I am on my road to recovery. Piecing back that part of my heart that took the damage. Maybe this is why I can talk about it, right here.

And maybe, just maybe, I have realized that no matter how I tried, I can never get closer to you. I take one step forward, you take a leap ahead. But do know I will never catch up to you. Even if I did, I will make sure I will only be ahead of you or behind you. 

Because being on equal pacing with you will make me release the tight reign I tied myself into.

And all of my efforts might go down the drain.

So, history will repeat itself. In another time, in another place.

This might cause even more damage to both of us.

And so, I cannot get closer to you.

Food for the Mind III

What makes you less than who you are is not because of external factors, rather what you think of yourself.

It's really annoying that many people have misconceptions about what makes their lives ride a downhill path. That is to say that I was also one of them. Sure, thinking negative tends to attract negative energies and I am not going to start on talking about chi and chakra and all other astrological/horoscopical (new word!) rubbish. But then again, everybody has problems and they have their own unique ways on looking at it. This is my point of view and ignore me if you do think otherwise. If you're not that proud, you may even share your thoughts with me!

I guess it is the same reflex inherent to any human being. We tend to love ourselves too much that we won't let it take the blame. We think of ourselves as achieving the highest form of intelligence since we were made to rule above all other living things. Maybe this is true, maybe this is not. Or maybe it is just me over-thinking. But my point is, I guess we just fail to realize the roots of our problems. We tend to see what is wrong, not the reason why it is wrong.

For instance, I join a community named community e while still a member of community s. Everybody has different opinions of me. Some like me, others don't. Then while learning the community, I also learn its rules. There are loopholes, inconsistencies and some other rules that restrict the freedom I seek. It is fine, I guess. Things like that bound to happen. However, after some time I feel like I am not welcomed anymore. I feel that the rules are burdening me and chaining me. I cannot express myself. I feel less than what I really am. I cannot release my full potential. With these problemsslashcomplaints in my bag of things, I leave the community. I tell the leaders that I feel unwelcomed, and everybody seem to dislike me, and the rules and such choke me and I feel un-free, for lack of better words.

In this case, I am only looking at what the community is at face value. I guess, I do not realize that I should socialize more to gain friends and to remove their bad impressions of me. I do not realize that I should face them not with a facade but of my real persona. I do not realize that I should have sought out the answers and justifications of the rules imposed by the community. That I should have taken the opinions of the superiors, not only the opinions made by myself. Lastly, I do not realize that I should have had an open mind right from the start. After all, communities vary from others. What may be applicable to community s may not be applicable to community e. As simple as that.

Now that I left community e, I go back to community s. Knowing to myself that this community is my real family. That the other community could never compare. I guess I did not really put my heart when I joined community e. That is the bad thing in there. There will be those community leaders I may have hurt due to my choice of wordsslashcomplaints. And as leaders, they cannot force me to continue being in their community if those are what I think of it. But it is certain that I have hurt them. And they might have been annoyed at me as well.

My other point is, I should have gone into a reflective mode, even if for once in a while. Entering a community is different from leaving it. It is all because I am thinking that community e has been detrimental to my freedom of expression when in fact it is only me who thinks that way. That I should have consulted the rules and made do with what I can for this community.

In psychology, what our minds think affects us more than what others do.

Received, At Last!

Received, at last! :D

So you know I'm so crazy (and gaga) over Copic Markers. I even made a post back there. And a couple of weeks ago, I gained a friend from Debbie Hodge who is actually a Copic Marker instructor. I had let her read my post about my first attempts in copic marker coloring and she said she was going to give me a gift! And here's what I got before I went to school.

I have six Copic Markers before and now I have 12! God. I received this last year and it's waaay too overdue already but meh, I have had finals and this third term was too stressful.

So let me tell you the adventure I had before getting my hands on the copic marker. So, I googled the map to the customs office in our city. I actually have to ask mom where to get the package when I received the receipt of some sort. The day when I had to get the package was also the day I for the project submission in school. So, my parents drove me to the entrance of the post office and I prayed to the gods to not let me snap.

The post office is not really a friendly place to be and the people there aren't exactly friendly either. They made me go to a window, only then the person in that window redirect me somewhere else. The place is hot, crowded with boxes and packages and veery dusty. It was nightmare. When i finally got my turn in the correct window, I gave her my receipt and my school ID. It took her a while (7 mins!) to find the package and when I saw that, my troubles are gone! It took another minute before she handed me the package and because of pure excitement and joy, I did not inspect the package thoroughly. I said goodbye and thanks to the lady and I went off.

So as I was waiting for a bus to arrive that would take me to the main city, I checked again the package and was so overjoyed when I felt oblong cartridges. I was grinning stupidly until a bus stopped in front of me. I decided to settle myself on a seat nearby and FINALLY open the package. I tore the top off and  I saw the copic markers. And boy, I almost forgot to give the the conductor my fare. So I went to ogle look at the copic markers and marvel at the awesomeness of Michelle and how I received it. It was very sweet of her and all! But I saw the other end of the package torn. When I inspected it, it was large enough to see the contents of the package!

I told my mom of the adventure I had with this package and then I brought up the topic that the package I had was torn on one side.. Although, it's partly my fault for not checking it in the post office. My mom told me that the post office here actually opens the packages of people for "inspection". Inspection my ass! I think they were televised before coz some customers complained missing items in the packages when they got it. Thankfully, I don't think they got interested in copic markers unless they know how much it costs in the Philippines. Two copic markers is more or less the amount of minimum wage per day of employees.

Nevertheless, I now know that if I ever got a package delivered to me again, I will make sure that I will triple check it in front of the person who gave it to me.

A-Musings of Trivialities

And so I mused to myself while washing the dishes a while ago.



What is to be mature?


Is it to develop proper manners? Is it to be able to act cool and collected? Is it to change your point of views in a broader sense? Mature people have always appeared to me like that. They have a good sense of what is right and what is wrong. They work with grace under pressure. They are open to a variety of opinions and does not hesitate to consider them no matter how absurd. They are most efficient in their tasks.


Or maybe it is a resignation of some sort?


From what I had observed, I asked myself what made them mature. Maybe there is a common bond that ties all these characteristics of maturity. Maybe they may not call it resignation but rather acceptance. I'd like to call mine resignation.


I had to contemplate first if I should wash the dishes or not. I was assessing myself if I am too tired - I have a heavy cold, in fact - and to ask my mom to wash it instead. Then I saw her mountain of laundry and that idea was history. I thought about asking father to wash the dishes - Armageddon almost came at that brief moment - since he had arrived at home early and was doing nothing but using Virtual DJ - as far as my instincts tell me. But as I looked again at the dishes - contempt, forlorn and dejection - I sighed to myself and told me, 'Fine. Can't be helped.' And that's when I found myself thinking about maturity.


As I feel myself coming to terms with the responsibilities I carry, I am still wondering how in the heavens I have done chores [that goes without saying 'without complaining']. Maybe it's resignation, maybe it's something else.

A Farewell

I speak the truth and nothing but the truth.

I have so many thoughts in my mind since yesternight. They have been jumbling themselves, trying to dominate each other on which I would prioritize first. It was hard sorting them but I decided I would start with this: I could not keep the promise I made to myself, one term ago. After this program, as I told myself, I would allot a day of bitterness, self-pity, sadness and general unhappiness. I do not want to lie to myself, saying I am going to be all right; I am not bitter; I already accepted my fate. As a fellow human being, I am selfish, conceited, egoistic and many other negative adjectives Merriam Webster has. I have my own pride and to have anyone (including friends) trampling on it like trash would truly answer to me. And so the solution of releasing everything in one full day came up. Why just one? Why not a whole year? That's because I recognize my negative attitudes and I am doing my best to keep it from ruling over me. One day is more than enough, said my mind. 

I did cry last night. Out of sadness, out of happiness. I told myself 'if I did not cry, then when will I?'. Sadness because of the way things turned out to be but if I may say so myself, overall happiness because of the way things turned out to be. No matter how much my heart says, 'this cannot be happening, you're supposed to be one', I could not think of anything but the righteousness of the events. It's as if I felt even more at ease, if not truly relieved. And then my mind nagged at my heart, saying, 'when will you start the one day isolation?'. I stopped instantly, feeling my way inside; looking for the answers to the question my mind asked. I summoned the feelings I had since the start of the training and I found them gone. Waning, to be exact. I did not answer it right away and instead comforted and congratulated those people in that secluded pavillion. I cried for them, with them. Hugged them with all of my feelings in my sleeves. I showed them how much I truly loved them with my words and tears. I told them how deserving they are and how I will never ever leave them hanging. I was filled with their feelings and mine and it was an overwhelming experience. And so I cried. Unafraid, uninhibited. I wanted to show all of them my sadness and my happiness, so that they will know they mean so much to me.

But for some reasons, the tables turned. As I sat in my parents' car, driving back home, imagining the comfort of my love-pillow and sofa bed, a whirlwind of thoughts came rushing back to me. I left my tears and sadness in the tent and sadly, remnants of it still clung to my heart. I entertained them whilst looking outside the window with nothing but darkness in sight. It was a welcome change against the colorful scene brought upon by morning. I was able to get into trance easily. And so, that question came up again: when will you start your one day isolation? Honestly, I am still asking that question now. I am finding even an evidence of the bitterness I have conditioned myself one term ago. I tapped into my heart for debris of sorrow and grief and found none. I only felt a vague sense of ease and general tranquility within. Even my heart, so loud and wild yesternight is now only basking in serenity. My tearducts ran out of water and salt supply. No matter how much I thought of not being one of them, it stayed calm and even thankful. Then I came to a conclusion: My grief left as fast as it had arrived. And that is because, the 12 people I had worked with, the 12 people who will pioneer the organization are those people I have supported since the very start. And unknowingly, I have accepted them - loved them even - that I could not find myself resenting them, feeling bitter about them, saddening because of them. Though I am thankful for that, I feel bad about myself. Because I promised me that I would allot one day for bitterness, self-pity, sadness and general unhappiness. 

But now, I cannot even do that to save my life. I have invented the bitterness I am sure I would feel. And I could not contain the level of stupidity of my situation right now. I feel like laughing my lungs out while crying my eyes out. But then, I preferred to stay calm. Scold myself for another broken vow. And I am thinking of torturing myself with graphic horror movies I never dared to watch. As an afterthought, I ate my lunch while watching SAW I-VII. But behind all of these realizations, let this ultimatum be the end of the prospects 2k12 training program for me. I want to thank the new EB13, before and after the training, and for all of the times they will be there for us. I want you guys to know that I will be here for you, as a fellow Operations-Reseach and Development officer (from the best committee [Operations] forever, of course). I will help you with the skills I acquired from the training and will never let you down. I will be with you; serving under our organization, serving under and with you, becoming a pillar that will never fall. I will not waste my time and tears and our friendship because of my conceit and selfishness. I'll expect a rough road with you guys, and expect that I'll bump and bounce with you at each protruding rock on our path. I will sing with you our goals until my voice is no more than an inaudible groan. I will lend you all that I am so that there will NEVER EVER BE A NANOSECOND THAT YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE ALONE. I am so filled with positive vibes right now and with the last words in here, I am officially ending the prospects 2k12 training program.

EB12, I am so grateful with your decisions, considering it is hard for all of you. I share your hardships and pain and all those feelings I felt last night. Special mention to Kuya Robin for his last power hug. Totally made my night. EB13, so many words will never suffice to summarize my feelings for you so let this simple phrase give justice to it, at the very least: I love you.

Together we stand; Divided we fall. ONE FAMILY, ONE ECES.